Unspoken
by sunnycouger
Summary: Neela wakes up after a dream about Ray and has to deal with what it all means. Reela fic. Complete.
1. Prologue

**Unspoken**

**Author** - sunnycouger

**E-mail** - - K+

**Summary** - Neela wakes after a dream and has to talk to Ray.

**Author's Notes** - This is my first ER fan-fiction after a break from writing. Prior to my break I could be found writing way too many cursed couples stories from Harry Potter, JoA or Lost so I am looking for any help here that can help me get better because I have a few more Ray/Neela fics in the works and I want to do it as much justice as possible. So if there's blatant OOC moments then please don't be afraid to let me know. Constructive crit is always appreciated - flames on the other hand are always ignored and ridiculed.

**Disclaimer - **Nothing here belongs to me other than the plot. Ray & Neela are sadly in the careless hands of the ER writers. Please don't sue - I own nothing worth taking.

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Prologue

"_No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys."_  
-Doug Horton-

She couldn't quite figure out what she was doing. It wasn't something that seemed particularly rational or smart yet she couldn't stop herself. She glanced down at her watch as she walked, head bowed against the biting night wind. She knew this was insane. It made no sense. It was completely irrational yet it was all she could do to stop her damn legs from running to where she needed to be.

This wasn't what Neela Rasgotra did. This wasn't her. This was crazy. _'He's finally done it, Neela - he's driven you insane.'_ The man in question certainly had a track record for driving her crazy at times. Ray Barnett was many things - infuriating, funny, insensitive, thoughtful, good-looking, cocky - he was complicated. Even so, she figured it would be impossible not to like him if you knew him. That had always been her problem though - she probably liked him too much and that was why her judgement was always slightly skewed when it came to him. Him driving her crazy was not a surprise. Her walking to his apartment at 3.30 in the morning? That was surprising.

She saw a cab drive towards her and she stuck her hand up in the air to hail it and let out a breath in relief as it pulled over towards her.

"Thank God," she muttered skywards as she opened the door and gave the address of where she had to go to the driver. As she sat on the seat she rubbed her eyes and tried to work out how the hell she was going to explain her appearance at his door.

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	2. Dreaming

Chapter 1

_Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. _

-Marsha Norman-

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_Neela Rasgotra stood at the admit desk and looked around at what seemed like hundreds of faceless people buzzing around her. All she could hear was mumbled whispers about sore heads, and food poisoning and this being sore and that needing attention. She raised her hands in an effort to get everyone to calm down and shut-up so she could focus. Where the hell was everyone else? She wasn't even on the ER staff anymore and she had to deal with the hordes?_

_Just as she shouted for everyone to calm-down and let her think the patients began calling her name. _

'_Neela,' someone said, causing her to turn around as another called from behind her._

'_Dr Rasgotra?' another woman called as she span around again. She was really going to kill everyone for leaving her alone today. How exactly was she supposed to cope with all this on her own?_

"_If you just give me a minute then I will take all your names and get you seen to," she said as she tried to gather her notes together. "If you can just give me a moment of quiet, I promise I'll sort this out. Somehow."_

_Instead of quieting the crowd seemed to get louder and as her name echoed in her ears and she became exasperated. She looked around for help, for her colleagues, her friends. Where the hell was everyone? How could they just leave her alone with all this to deal with?_

"_Please, if you can just leave me alone for a second and let me work out what to do..."_

_As her name echoed in her head repeatedly she put her hands to her head. She had no idea what she was doing. This was impossible. How the hell was she supposed to do this if she couldn't even think?_

"_Neela?"_

_At the sound of her name again she closed her eyes in frustration and shouted out loud. "For the last time will you please go away and let me think!"_

_As she opened her eyes she saw that the emergency room had vanished, the mass of people had gone and she was staring out from the roof of the building. She turned around to see Ray standing there, his face pained and his hands held out by his side in a resigned expression. She brought her hands to her lips in shock as he gave her a sad smile._

"_If that's what you want, Neela," he shrugged his shoulders and sighed. "You just looked like you needed some help though."_

_He turned and began walking away from her and she felt her heart pound as she chased after him. "Ray? I didn't know it was you - I didn't mean to shout at you. I didn't know it was you. Ray!"_

_As she followed him towards the stairs the building disappeared again to the street outside their apartment. She called out again to him and this time he turned around and his expression was different. Cold. Angry. Hurt._

"_What? What the hell do you want with me, Neela? It's not as a friend. It's not as a lover. Tell me what hoops I should jump through? You want me to wait until you're finished with Michael, with Gates and then what? Because you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking it will always be someone else. It will never be me. I'm always going to be down on your list of priorities. You know what you want and it sure as hell isn't me, so I'm out."_

"_No," she shouted, desperate for him to stop looking at her like that. Desperate to take that edge off his voice. Desperate for him to smile, or smirk or something like he did to make her feel safe. "Ray?"_

"_No?" he gave a low, humourless laugh. "You've already told me what you want. You want me to go away? I'm gone."_

_She shook her head. This wasn't real. This wasn't real! "Ray, I...I'm sorry. Please...please you have to let me make this right."_

"_I'm gone Neela. It's too late," he said with a shrug of the shoulders as he walked over to her and leant down close to her face. He gave her a sad smile and brushed her cheek with his thumb. She felt her breath catch in her throat as he looked at her. Her insides began to ache as he bent down and kissed her lips gently. She could hardly feel the pressure of his kiss but her heart began to race anyway. As she opened her eyes again he was still stood there. He leant into her ear and she could feel his breath on her skin as he whispered. "Why did you have to be too late?"_

_With that he turned and walked away. As she tried to control her breathing the street suddenly changed back to the admit desk. She could see him walking away and all she could do is try and chase after him. "Ray? Ray! Please come back. Please!"_

_As she ran, she crashed into someone. She looked up - Abby. "Abby," she forced out as she started to sob. "Ray...Ray. I need to...Ray's leaving and I need to catch him, I need to make him stay...Abby, you have to help me make him stay!"_

_As the pain in her chest threatened to stop her breathing Abby just smiled and nodded her head with a sigh. "Sweetie...there's nothing you can do. He's already gone. You're too late..."_

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Neela woke up abruptly. Her breathing was ragged, she had to fight to hold back the tears and she had this horrible ache in her chest. It was just a dream but it felt so real. She could still feel and taste the faint touch of his lips on hers so that couldn't have all been in her head. She could almost feel the warmth of his breath against her ear and her imagination wasn't that vivid and the pain of watching him disappear seemed like it must have happened because it was so intense. She rubbed her face with her hands and just as she did it she felt a sob escape from her throat as the intensity of feelings she had just experienced came out. She didn't even try and stop from crying even though she knew how ridiculous it was. It was only a dream after all. Ray was fine, he was at their...she shook her head, he was at HIS apartment and she would see him at work tomorrow. It was completely irrational yet her chest still ached and she couldn't stop crying. What was up with that?

She wiped her eyes and looked at the clock. 2.17am. She figured if she was reasonable she could go back to sleep and forget all about it. It was a stupid, illogical dream about Ray who wasn't going anywhere and who would never, ever leave like that. But still the ache remained and the tears kept filling her eyes. What if he did leave? Why would he stay? She certainly hadn't given him any reason worthwhile.

'_Katey, he has Katey,'_ her mind whispered distastefully. _'He wouldn't need you anyway. You keep pushing him away...'_

She made a face in response to her own thoughts. She pushed him away because he was too close it was...complicated. Intense. Confusing. She liked things she could explain and put in little safe, uncomplicated boxes. Tony was fun, he was passionate, it was never going to be serious - it was like a high-school romance. Michael was straight on the line. He was nice, he was safe, dependable and brave. He was the hero.

Then there was Ray. He was her best friend but so much more even if it was something that they didn't really acknowledge. He was thoughtful but insensitive. He was intense but noncommittal. He was reckless but dependable. He was, she smiled as she thought, he was one walking, talking contradiction and she had no idea how this mess of a man managed it but she had never felt as safe or as comfortable with anyone as she did with him and that scared the life out of her. Could you be safe and scared at the same time? That was the contradiction that baffled and intrigued her.

The tears had finally stopped filling her eyes but the ache in her chest was still there and she picked up her phone. It was crazy but she just had to hear his voice - just to make sure. She knew he wouldn't leave but still it didn't hurt to call.

She pressed his number on speed-dial, trying to come up with some excuse as to why she would be calling him at 2.20 in the morning but deciding it was better just to wing it. She would hear his voice and then she could go to sleep and forget all about it.

The connection kept ringing and she began drumming her hand on her knee. Where the hell was he?

"Hi, this is Ray Barnett's phone. Leave a message and I will probably call you back."

As she heard the recorded voicemail message she swore loudly at the ceiling just as the beep finished. "Ray...hi. Where are you? I know it's late but I just...I was..." She tried to come up with something that didn't sound totally idiotic but failing miserably she just sighed and shook her head trying to keep the panic out of her voice. "Ray I just...I was thinking about you there and I had to hear your voice. I wish you had answered. I just...I'm sorry for calling you so late. I'll see you tomorrow." Before she hung up she added as an afterthought. "You better not have left town without telling me because I've been horrible to you. I guess more likely you're with Katey or something...nevermind. 'Night."

She closed up the phone and plopped it on the bed beside her, not even caring how ridiculous the message sounded. Giving up all thoughts of getting back to sleep she climbed out of bed and headed towards the shower. She'd get ready, give him a call again and then if he wasn't back she would go for a walk and clear her head.

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	3. A crazy little thing

_Author's Notes - thank you so much for the reviews. I am glad that you are enjoying this so far. The fic is actually complete. It was a one-shot that I had written that got a little over-long so I decided to put it into chapters. There is one more chapter after this one and possibly an epilogue (still undecided on that) but I hope that you enjoy it. Hopefully there will be no more problems uploading and I can get this posted up pretty soon for you all. Thanks again._

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Chapter 2

_"Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away."_

-Elvis Presley-

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Neela had felt better after her shower. She'd left her black hair soaking wet and the coolness of the air on her head kept her awake. She couldn't quite shake the horrible feeling that she was carrying or the realness of her dream but she felt better.

A lot better.

So much better that she hadn't called him back. She walked past the window again and peered at the phone that was sitting on the table almost taunting her. She wasn't going to call him because that would be irrational and it was one thing to be woken up by a dream and to check and see if someone you cared about was all right but it was quite another to be woken by a dream and repeatedly harass someone on the basis of one neurotic moment. But still...

She shoved her hands in her pockets and shook her head. She was not going to call him again. She was not that girl - that needy, desperate, pathetic girl. She was rational and normal and wasn't that person who did stupid, irresponsible things like calling a guy up in the middle of the night because of a dream.

She walked over to the phone and flipped it open. She almost pressed the speed-dial button again before she regrouped and dropped the phone back on the table. She had already tried to call him and he hadn't answered so there was little or no point in being that pathetic and calling him again. "It was only a bloody dream, Neela! Get a grip!"

She had to go for a walk to clear her head. The sitting (or in her case pacing) and obsessing thing wasn't working and she doubted if she could take her mind of her own thoughts by watching TV or reading.

She'd go for a walk, come back and it would be a more respectable hour and she would then, perhaps call him. She nodded her head in agreement with her brain's sensible plan and grabbed her coat, hat, scarf and gloves and left the phone on the table as she closed the door behind her.

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She hadn't intended to get in the cab but after she had spent twenty minutes pretending she wasn't walking to his apartment she figured she may as well bite the bullet. As the driver made small talk in the front of the car she nodded and answered as appropriate without actually listening to whatever fascinating tale the man was trying to share with her. She had no idea what the hell she was supposed to do when she got there. For one thing - Katey was probably there. For another - it was insane. For a third - they hadn't really spoken in months. For another - she was so confused that she couldn't be sure she'd not say something that they both would regret.

She groaned as she rubbed her head. This was so irrational it wasn't even funny. She had turned into one of those crazy people that she always made fun of.

The cab stopped and she paid the driver and got out and looked up at the building. She walked over to the spot where she had stood in her dream and bit her lip. _Too late._ Somehow the words kept echoing in her head. Too late for what? She didn't even know.

She walked to the door and prepared to punch in the code but at the last second she shook her head. "What are you doing, Neela? He won't be alone and what are you going to say to him? Idiot."

She turned away from the door and walked down the stairs and away from the building only to get midway down the street before turning back again and heading towards the stairs with a groan. There was no way she could go home without seeing him.

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Ray Barnett wasn't the most conventional guy on the planet. He never claimed to be solid, or reliable or predictable. He watched crappy chick flicks voluntarily, he wanted to be a rock-star as well as a doctor, he owned exactly one suit and that was the one his mother had bought him for graduation, he liked to cook, hated to shop, was terrified of intimacy yet hated being alone. He confused the hell out of himself so God only knew what it must have been like for anyone else.

He turned the TV on and yawned as he shovelled a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. The neighbours had been bawling at each other upstairs about something or another and his phone had been ringing non-stop as his mother was pestering him about when he was coming home. A pillow had drowned out the neighbours and his phone had been buried at the bottom of his bag which had been flung under what used to be Neela's bed to drown it out but he still couldn't sleep because his stupid radiator insisted on sounding like something was trying to escape from it. He had tried moving into Nee...into the spare room but then his phone had started to ring again and he had given up. Sleep was overrated anyway - he preferred cereal and badly dubbed movies.

He yawned again as he listened to the silence in his home. It still didn't feel right here anymore. He couldn't really explain it. It was so...unnatural he guessed. It wasn't so much the quiet, it was little things that didn't feel right. He had tried to get someone else in for the room but after a few days he had invariably kicked them out citing various excuses ranging from 'my sister is moving to Chicago and needs the room' to 'I've just got some inheritance in and I'm moving out so I don't need a flat mate.' Truth was, the real reason was always 'Sorry, you're not her.' He knew that was pretty much beyond pathetic but there you had it. He kept the apartment empty because of her.

He rubbed his eyes and took another spoonful of his cereal and chewed at the flavourless mush as he heard a car pull up outside. Hearing an English accent saying 'keep the change' he looked at his clock and saw the time - 4.07 am. He shook his head as he walked to the window. "You're hearing things, Ray."

But sure enough there was someone at the door with her hand over the buzzer before shaking her head and walking away. He squinted his eyes just to be sure and just as he was about to chap on the window to get her attention she turned back towards the steps. She stood there for a second before turning away and walking down the stairs again. He watched her approach and depart from the door four more times before she swore loudly at the sky and keyed in the number and walked inside. He stepped back from the window not really sure what the hell was going on.

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Neela had finally worked up the courage to go into the building but there was still the little prospect of actually chapping on his door. Her mind had went through just about every scenario and none of them seemed to end well. She sat outside his door and sighed as she looked at her watch. She was crazy and he would think she was crazy.

In her least favourite scenario she had chapped on the door to be met by a partially clothed Katey and told to get out because she was too late. That was closely followed by him refusing to open the door to her at all. There were then various other scenarios where he let her in, told her he was leaving and throwing her out. Or where he laughed as she spoke. There was also the one about where he invited her in, she told him how she felt, whatever that was, and instead of reciprocating he just walked out never to be seen again. In all the scenarios she had run through in her head none of them had worked out how she wanted, not that she knew what she wanted of course. She didn't really want him to touch her cheek like he had in the dream. She didn't want him to kiss her, or hold her, or say that maybe she wasn't the only one who was confused because that would make it more confusing and things were confusing enough.

She pulled her hat down over her eyes and tried not to scream at herself in frustration. What the hell was she doing here? She took a deep breath and stood up and chapped the door as quietly as possible. She knew there wasn't really any chance of him hearing but she could say she tried. After a second and with there not being any answer she looked at the stairs and contemplated making a run for it but as much as she wanted to do that, the ache in her chest demanded she spoke to him so she raised her hand to chap again and just as she brought her hand to the door the door opened and he stood there, hair standing on end, eyebrow raised and arms folded across his chest with a strange smirk on his face. "Neela - to what do I owe the pleasure?"

She smiled involuntarily as she looked at him and her stomach did a flip while she had to stop herself from hugging him. He hadn't left. He was still here. She wasn't too late. She let a slow breath out and seeing his inquisitive look she suddenly became distinctly aware that she had just travelled half way across town at 4 am to say hi to him. She silently cursed her brain - it was supposed to stop her from doing stupid things like this.

"Neela?"

"Um. We hadn't spoke in a while and I just wanted to say hi," she muttered trying to remember the way she had scripted it in the cab on the way over. "So hi," she said with a small wave.

"At 4.20 in the morning? You wanted to say hi?" he asked as he moved out the way and ushered her in. "Really?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded before turning to face him. As she looked at him she sighed and shook her head. "No, not really. Um...did you get my message? I tried to call you..."

"That was you?" He slapped the front of his head. "My Mom has been calling me all night and I just ignored the phone. Sorry. No, didn't get the message. Is everything okay?"

"You shouldn't ignore your mother," Neela chastised him as she walked in. "She's the only one you'll ever have."

"You ignored your mother at least ten times when you were here," he laughed.

"That was different," she said with a disapproving frown at him, thankful for having something else to think about. "My mother is hard-work whereas your mum is slightly less neurotic and doesn't deserve to be ignored."

"She only seems less neurotic because she liked you," he said with a grin. "Neurosis is a medical condition when a woman gets to a certain age - they're all the same, some just hide it better. You have it all to look forward to..."

She rolled her eyes and gave a low laugh. Ah, if only he knew that neurosis wasn't only applicable to women of a certain age...

"Fine, fine - I'll call her tomorrow if it will make you happy. Okay?" He raised his hands in a mock 'I surrender' pose as he spoke, mirth dancing over his face.

She nodded her head and gave a smile. "Thank you. Your mother will appreciate it."

"You're welcome," he said. "So...I'm guessing you didn't come over here to make me call my Mom...?"

She nervously paced. She didn't want to look at him too closely because it was hard to think coherently when she looked at him. Standing close to him was actually worse if possible because she kept imagining the feel of his touch on her skin, or for some reason the way he might have kissed her, or the way his body would feel standing close to hers and that wasn't helping at all. This was Ray, she kept telling herself. Ray - who she had lived with. Ray, who drove her insane - who caused her to do crazy things. Who was a bad influence. Ray - who was looking pretty damn good standing there looking at her... She groaned inwardly - this was why she shouldn't have left the house tonight...

She glanced up at him, his tight T-shirt and messy hair as she felt her cheeks redden and she pulled off her hat to try and cool down so he didn't notice. This was such a bad idea.

"Neela?" he said as he looked at her quizzically. "Neela, are you okay? You look a little...flushed."

She looked up at him and nodded with a quick smile. "I'm good. I just...I didn't mean to wake you. It's just I..." She bit the corner of her lip and pulled her hat on again. This was crazy - what the hell was she doing? "I should go. It's late, or early even and I shouldn't be bothering you just now. Goodnight, Ray."

He looked at her and shook his head and bounced in front of the door. "Nope. Sorry - not going to happen. Now I know that you're probably a hair-puller and could kick my ass if you wanted to but you aren't going anywhere until I know what's going on because you aren't the type of person to show up in the middle of the night if there wasn't something important you needed to talk about."

She kept her gaze lowered and he crouched down to look at her. "Neela - it's me. You can talk to me about anything."

As she looked up at him she felt the ache returning. This wasn't fair. "Ray, it was stupid. It doesn't make any sense..."

"What doesn't?"

"This!" she said, as she flung her arms in the air and walked over towards the couch. "Coming here tonight doesn't make sense. It's stupid."

"Okay, you are going to have to be a little more specific - it's way too early for my brain to be playing guessing games."

"Like there's ever a good time for your brain to be playing guessing games," she muttered, annoyed at him for making her stay and annoyed at herself for getting caught up in this situation when she should have known better.

"Fair point," he said with shrug. "My point still stands though that you need to give me a few more details than you're giving me."

She sighed as she looked at him. He was not going to give up. "Okay. Okay - I want you to listen to me and not say anything until I'm finished because it doesn't make sense to me and I need to talk to try and make it make sense and that means you can't say anything or it will just be more confusing, or I'll say the wrong thing, or something. Okay?"

He nodded his head and gave a confused look but sat down on the edge of the work-top anyway. She sighed as she pulled her hat off her head and ruffled her damp hair. "Okay. Good. Right. Um...I was just...this is confusing for me. I was sleeping and I was thinking about you and I don't know why but it seemed so real..."

"You were thinking about me while you were sleeping? So...you were dreaming about me then?"

"Ray!" she shouted as saw him raise his eyebrow suggestively. "You need to be quiet. Yes, okay - I had a dream and you were in it. It was weird - I was stressed and I shouted at you and then things changed and you left and I couldn't get you back and I couldn't make you listen to me or understand and it was too late to get you to stay and you just left me standing there. I mean, you wouldn't even look at me. I should probably be pissed off at you for that actually..."

She looked up at him and tried to focus - blaming him for his behaviour in her dream wouldn't exactly help things. "I woke up and I couldn't stop crying and it hurt and I had to talk to you and make sure you were here because...because...I don't know. Because..." She brought her hand up to her chest and touched it as she spoke, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "Because it felt so real and I don't...I know it was a dream and this is completely irrational and stupid and crazy and it's like 4.30 in the morning and you were sleeping and only crazy people visit other people at this time in the morning but I tried to call you and you didn't answer and I know that you were probably busy with Katey or something and I know it's stupid, and selfish and stupid but I had to come and see you and make you understand."

"Understand what, Neela?" he whispered.

She felt her eyes fill with tears as she shook her head. How could she explain something she didn't really understand herself?

"I...don't know, really. I just..." she sighed. "I don't want to think about you not being here because I feel so empty but I'm scared to think about what that means, you know? I need you to know how important you are to me and how much I lo...I...I was jealous and stupid and confused and scared and I took it out on you and I'm so sorry. It was stupid and I'm sorry..." She paused for a second hoping for him to say something but just as quickly she realised that she might not like what that was. "I guess...I just, I should go. You should sleep and I...I should go."

She almost ran to the door and he hadn't moved from the work surface as he tried to get his head around what she was saying. "Goodnight...or good morning or something. I'm sorry for waking you, Ray. 'Bye..."

She closed the door behind her and ran straight for the stairs, not wanting to think about what had just happened. He was there, he was fine, she would go home, go to sleep and pretend she was drunk or something in the morning.

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**TBC**


	4. A Risk Worth Taking

Chapter 3

"_Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."_

-Erica Jong-

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As the door closed behind her, Ray stood rooted to the spot at the counter trying to decipher what it was that she had said. He knew what he thought she said but she couldn't possibly have meant what he thought she meant. He was not that lucky. Girls like Neela did not say what he thought she had just said to guys like him.

He had been in love with her for a long time and although he knew she probably didn't feel the same way about him, there had always been that unspoken thing with them that neither of them wanted to acknowledge. He knew he had serious issues in regards to thinking of her with other men - 'issues' was the term he had decided on. Blood-boiling, insomnia inducing, rage-filled jealousy seemed a bit melodramatic although that term was a bit more accurate. The thought of Gates', he felt his eyes narrow at the mere thought of the man, hands on her, or him kissing her or in her bed had driven him varying degrees of crazy for a long time now. But that was him - it was what he did. He had the girl who was perfect for him right there, so close he could almost touch her, and some other dirt-bag had swept in and made the move before him because he was trying to do the right thing for once. He had a right to be jealous.

Her on the other hand...he never really understood what was going on with her. She got jealous and she got ratty with him but anytime they came close to discussing anything to do with that side of their deteriorating friendship it caused an argument. She favoured the 'if we don't talk about it, it's not real' approach while he wanted to talk about it. Well, he wanted to talk about it because deep down part of him knew that they wouldn't talk about it so he wouldn't really have to face it.

For his part he had always made it as clear as possible how he felt without actually saying it but he could never work out what was going on with her. She had to know that he had feelings for him, he wasn't that subtle and she...well, he knew she cared about him in some capacity. But it was Neela - Neela who didn't do stupid things like fall for her stupid, reckless, ex-roomie.

But here she had been saying what he thought he heard her say and meaning what he thought she meant and he had no idea what to think.

She had said she was scared and jealous. Thinking about him not being there had made her feel 'empty' and that scared her? He ran his hand through his hair as her words went through his head - there really wasn't that much room for that to mean something different, was there?

She said he was important to her and nearly said the love word but...it was Neela. Neela - who always pushed him away. Who was his best-friend. Who didn't feel the way for him that he felt for her.

It was Neela who had come to his apartment and stood there, in front of him, at 4.30 in the morning and admitted she was jealous and scared of the way she felt about him and he had let her leave without saying anything? The same Neela who would try and explain this away in the morning and avoid him even more?

He smacked his head as his brain suddenly started working again. What the hell was he doing standing here for? He ran towards her old room to retrieve his phone and to get dressed. "Dammit, Ray! If you've blown this..."

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She had run out the apartment block and hailed the first cab she had seen to get her back to Abby's. As she went into the apartment she closed the door behind her and sank down behind it and put her head in her hands. What had she done? How could she have been so stupid? She didn't quite make an all out declaration of love, but she wasn't far short and now she had ruined everything. She had gone there to try and avoid losing him and somehow she had actually accelerated the process of pushing him out her life.

She brought her hands to her eyes and banged her head back against the door lightly. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid...how could you be such an idiot?"

Her phone began ringing on the table and she let out a groan as she buried her head between her knees knowing that it was Ray calling her. He was probably checking to make sure she hadn't taken a blow to the head or was drunk or something. She cringed inwardly as she imagined facing him at work the following day and wondered whether an excuse of 'dying of humiliation' justified taking a sick-day.

How the hell could she make this right now? She'd been home twenty minutes and she still hadn't worked out a believable excuse. The drunk excuse was possible but she somehow doubted that he would buy that. Feigning amnesia was not unappealing either and temporary insanity sounded like a definite possibility but at the moment she was favouring the 'immediately fleeing to England for the next two to thirty years plan.' That definitely had merit although the price of paying up her rent, buying a plane-ticket and the immediacy of departure made it a highly expensive option. _'Plane ticket? $700. Never having to see the guy you just humiliated yourself in front of again? Priceless.'_ She thought with a roll of her eyes as she tried to think about what she could say. The fleeing the country was definitely the best idea so far...

She banged her head back against the door and let out a frustrated scream, thankful that she was alone in the apartment. This would have been so much worse if she had done it while she had a roommate - at least here she could die of shame on her own.

As she brought her head back into her hands with a groan she heard a rattling on the door behind her. _'Please let it be a neighbour complaining about something or desperately needing medical attention. Don't be Ray, don't be Ray...'_

"Neela?"

She groaned - God hated her. "I'm not in," she muttered.

"Neela, I want to talk to you..."

"Now is really not a great time, Ray. I'm thinking I'm drunk, or insane and I'm probably leaving the country - whichever one makes most sense so I really shouldn't be talking to sober, sane people just now because I don't seem to know what on Earth I am saying, or doing tonight. Can we do this another time? Maybe a year or two after we retire..."

She heard him drop down on the ground outside the door and sigh. "Fine - you don't need to talk. Just listen."

"Ray...honestly - we should just pretend tonight didn't happen. You know, then you can go back home and I can pretend that I haven't completely lost my mind and managed to completely destroy whatever remains of our friendship..."

"Neela - you said you weren't talking so shh!" he said sternly. "You talked, rambled actually and now...my turn. So same rules - you just shut-up and listen to me now, okay?" He gave her a second to listen and then continued. "Since you won't let me in I am going to pretend that you were nodding your head in agreement there. Right...first things first. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, I'm staying. God only knows why but I kinda like it here. The hospital is good, I have friends here and the woman I'm crazy about seems to like it here. I would be insane to leave all that behind unless I've been fired and no one has told me. Secondly - you aren't the only one who gets confused and scared and pushes people away because of it. You aren't the only one who gets jealous."

"It's just I..." She began, not really sure what she was going to say but more to stop him from talking. The more he talked, the more she started to imagine things and the more she imagined things, the scarier it got.

"Shh! Seriously - just...shh, okay? You can sit behind that door screaming at yourself, pretending this never happened but I'm not going to let you do that. You aren't drunk, you're no more crazy than normal and it's okay to be scared. You think I'm not terrified? God, Neela - it's me. You know how many meaningful relationships I've had in my life? You think I want to risk blowing the most important friendship I've ever had or that I would do it if I wasn't serious here?"

She felt hot tears spring to her eyes and she leant over and leant her head against her knees as they began to fall. She couldn't really believe what she was hearing - it seemed so unreal, so perfect she almost felt it had to be another dream. Didn't he realise how badly she had treated him? How did she deserve to have him here, saying these things to make her feel better?

"Neela, don't cry," he pleaded through the door. "Please, let me in."

"I was so horrible to you," she sniffed. "You shouldn't be nice to me. You should be angry and shouting. Or at the very least gloating or something..."

"Well to be honest I was saving the 'I told you so' speech until later but if it will make you open the door I can roll it out now."

She laughed and wiped her eyes. She closed her eyes for a minute to try and clear everything out of her head. She had briefly imagined scenarios where she could be completely honest with him, where she would just say what she wanted to say, where she didn't always guard against the worst case scenario of taking the risk and losing out. She had, if she were honest, loved him for a very long time - since before Michael had died. It had just never felt proper, or safe, or sensible, or realistic to accept it so she pretended it wasn't there. It never went away though - it gnawed at her at times. It made her so angry at him at other times - because it was clearly his fault that she had these inappropriate feelings and it made her almost pathetically jealous at others. But now? What really was stopping her? Her pride? That had pretty much been destroyed by her actions tonight. Her cowardice? He deserved better than that. Her own brain? Well, if her own brain didn't want her to take a chance with Ray it should have stopped bringing him into her thoughts unbidden so many times. So what was stopping her then?

"Ray...I'm sorry. For everything - for the way I left, and the things I said, and Tony and the way I acted with Katey and for waking you up at 4 am and all that. I'm sorry. I just..." She paused, took a deep breath and just said what she was thinking. Now or never. "It's scary to be in love with your best friend," she whispered. "If I lost you then it would be losing everything and I can't lose everything so it's easier and safer to pretend it's not happening."

She sat in silence. She knew she shouldn't have said it but there was no point in not being honest now. Better just to clear the air completely one way or another. Whether she said it or not there was probably no way that their relationship would be able to revert back to where it once was, whether they wanted to or not. They had both probably said too much for that to happen. It had been unspoken between them for so long that she wondered if it was as much a relief to him as it was to her to clear the air of the constant cloud that seemed to follow them about. It was amazing how much lighter she felt for just saying the words. To not have to carry around the baggage of denial. For him to know.

It didn't mean anything though if it just felt like that to her. Her stomach began to knot as the full realisation of what she had said hit her. If this was a one way thing then he would be sitting behind the door thinking of ways to let her down gently and...

The silence from the other side of the door did nothing to reassure her.

"Neela," he said eventually. "Please open the door."

"If you go now we can pretend this didn't happen," she said quietly, giving him an out. "We can go back to where things were and this didn't happen and I didn't say anything."

"Neela...I'm not going anywhere. If I have to sit here until your next shift, I'll do it but I'm not going anywhere. Please...give me a chance here..."

Give him a chance - he made it sound so easy. So simple. But that was Ray all over - he wouldn't be looking to see what it would mean if they did this. What if it went wrong. What if two weeks down the line he was bored of her and met the next perfect model? What if the whole thing was based on wanting someone that neither of them believed they could get? What if the reality didn't match the romanticised fantasy she had. What would happen to them then? If the thought of losing him could hurt so much, did she really want to risk it actually happening?

'_But what if it worked? What if it didn't go wrong? What if it really is as good as you believe it could be?'_ her brain whispered to her. _'Do you really not want to know?'_

She bit her lip and sighed as she got to her feet. She took a deep breath and she opened the door and gave him a weak smile as he got to his feet. "Hey..."

"Hey..." he whispered as he walked in. He over to her and brushed his fingers along her tearstained cheek. "I'm not going anywhere. I know it's scary but what if it's worth being a little scared? Neela..." He lifted her chin with his hand. "I don't want to go back to just being your friend. We've done that. Do you really want to go back to that?"

His voice was desperate and she shook her head no. She didn't want to go back. It wasn't enough now. She thought back to the bickering, the fights, the nights she had just wanted to spend with him, the way he got under her skin, the number of times she just wanted to talk to him and forget everything else and wondered if it had ever really been enough.

"Then what do you want?" His voice was barely audible but he was standing so close she could hear it. Her heart was pounding and she could barely breathe. So many thoughts and questions and what ifs? ran through her head but she shut all them out. Rational thought had done nothing for her tonight so why start now.

She brought her hand up to touch his chest and imagined that his heart was racing the way hers was. She glanced up at him and suddenly she was 100 certain - the questions vanished, the doubts, the fears all went. Looking at his eyes she felt everything fall into place. She brought her hand up to the side of his face and she smiled involuntarily. She reached up and brought her lips to his gently. As she kissed him she felt like she was floating - feeling the warmth of his breath and the taste of his lips. She had thought about it happening in the past but to actually experience it...

She pulled back after a second to see his reaction but almost immediately he pulled her back towards him again. She felt her breath catch as he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss. The taste of him, the feel of his tongue, the way his hands ran slowly up her back. She could feel the way his heart was pounding and the way his breath caught when she raked her hands through his hair and it made her almost giddy to think that she could do that to him. He was here, he was kissing her and it was all so much more than she had even thought to imagine. How did she manage to wait so long for this?

A few moments she pulled back and cupped his face in her two hands. She knew that he knew what she felt, and that she was serious but it seemed important that she said it out loud - that she verbalised what they both knew. He deserved that, she thought. He had been the one to put himself out there emotionally so many times in the past and it seemed important to her that she said the words.

She looked him in the eyes and whispered. "I know what I want. I want you, Ray. I...I love you."

As she spoke he exhaled slowly before breaking into a grin. "You got me," he said as he picked her up and spun around with her. "Do you have any idea how many times I've imagined you saying that? Geez, Neela..." He laughed as he put her down and kissed her again before pulling back and looking at her seriously. "I have loved you for a long time, you know? I didn't think you'd ever feel the same way."

"That's because you're dense," she said with a grin as she pulled him over towards the couch. "Lets face it, perception was never your strong suit."

He rolled his eyes as he sat down beside her. "I haven't slept, I've had a crazy woman show up at my apartment at 4 am, I've had to have a heart to heart with a door and now I'm getting insulted? I tell you this is hard work..."

She elbowed him gently before reaching up and kissing him again. She lay her head on his chest and closed her eyes, as a feeling of utter contentment overtook her. "And Luka always says that you're scared of hard work as well..."

He guided her head up and looked at her with a grin. "Yeah well, I'm sure it will be worth the effort."

"I'll do my best..." she replied as she slid a hand up into his hair and pulled his head down towards her. She knew deep down that there was a whole load of stuff that was going to make this complicated - Tony, Katey, everyone finding out but none of it seemed important anymore. It wasn't that she didn't care what they thought it was just...it felt right. It was worth the risk, and the gossip and the inevitable arguments it would cause. It all seemed so insignificant compared to how this felt right here and that was all that she cared about. She'd let all that take care of itself - for now, all that mattered was that he was here with her and he loved her the way she loved him. Nothing else mattered.

---The End---

_Author's Notes - I'd just like to thank everyone who took time to read and review this. I hope you enjoyed it. I've left it semi open at the end in case I want to do a follow-up but I have a couple of more Reela fics I want to do first and no doubt if the spoilers are true I may want to do something a bit angsty at one point as well. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all and keep your fingers crossed that the dumb writers don't mess up the best current relationship on TV irreparably._


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